Public Service Announcement

I like to use my blog for the common good from time to time, and this is one of those times. Today, I want to talk about an excellent book I've just finished reading. It's called, "Why Does He DO That?: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men", by Lundy Bancroft. Using insights gained over twenty years of therapy with abusive men and also through extensive interviews with the partners of these men, Mr. Bancroft has published what is widely considered to be THE authoritative book on the subject of abusers and what makes them tick. Bancroft breaks down the THINKING PROCESS of abusers to reveal what, in turn, drives their abusive behavior, and explains why they have virtually no hope of ever changing without intensive, long-term therapeutic care aimed specifically at changing the way they think.

Dr. Bancroft's book is full of general truths that he's learned about abusers over his twenty years of experience, including this one: Abusive men present their own stories with tremendous denial, minimization, and distortion of the history of their behaviors. They may say things like, "My wife attacked me from behind as I was trying to pick up my baby. I was only trying to protect myself, and my fist slipped and accidentally smashed my wife in the face."

Or this universal truth: Most abusive men don't seem like abusers and have many good qualities, especially in the early period of a relationship.

Or this universal truth: Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of other people, if he is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack of respect. Disrespect can also take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or a goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you, he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image, he may turn nasty.

Or this universal truth: Abusers confuse love and abuse. When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring inside that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:

1. The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference;
2. The desire to have sexual access;
3. The desire to impress others by having you be his partner; or
4. The desire to possess and control you.

Or this universal truth: Stereotyped beliefs about women's sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse. A man may claim early in a relationship that he views you in a light different from that in which he sees women in general, but the distinction won't last. His conviction that women should take care of the home, for instance, can become a serious problem because he may punish you for refusing to live in his box.

Bancroft also dispels some of the widely believed myths about relationships today, like this one: There is an unhealthy but widely accepted notion that passion and aggression are interwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomblike explosions are the price you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy. He goes on to say that, to understand abuse, you can't just look at the explosions. You have to examine with equal care the spaces between them.


By far the most effective part of the book, though, is the chapter in which Bancroft discusses the "types" of abusive men he's encountered over the years, such as The Drill Sergeant, The Victim, and The Terrorist, each with his own motivating attitudes and specific methods. The one I'd like to talk about today is the one Bancroft refers to as The Player.
Bancroft says that The Player is usually good looking and often sexy (but sometimes he just thinks he is). In the early part of the relationship he seems head over heels in love and wants to spend as much time as possible in bed together. He is a pretty good lover. You may feel lucky that you have caught someone who knows how to turn you on and you may feel proud to be seen with him. Your self-opinion gets a nice boost.
After a while, though, a few things start to bother you. You notice that, apart from sex, his interest in you is waning, and even his sexual energy is dropping off a little. He seems to lock his eyes pretty hard onto women that walk by. He flirts with waitresses, clerks, or even friends of yours.
The Player often starts to stall on moving in together or agreeing to be exclusive, even though earlier he couldn't wait to get serious. He may say he's been hurt or that he has a fear of commitment, but the real issue is that he doesn't want restrictions on his freedom. Much of his satisfaction in life comes from exploiting women and feeling like a sexual animal. Cheating is part of the package with The Player. He usually has mutltiple relationships going on at the same time.

The Player may set up his dynamic by using the following tactics:

• He knows how to make each woman with whom he's involved feel that she's the special one and yet at the same time keep her off balance, so that she never feels quite sure of where she stands with him.
• He tells each woman in his life stories about how other women have mistreated him, or he shares other bits of information - largely invented - to make previous, or current, women in his life sound conniving, vindictive, or addicted to substances.

While acknowledging that abusive men work hard to keep their true selves hidden, Bancroft describes some of the central attitudes driving The Player (attitudes which he may or may not share with his partners) thusly:

1. Women were put on this earth to have sex with men - especially me;
2. It's not my fault if women find me irresistible. It's not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it's all around me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can't help it;
3. Women who want nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.

The book also includes a whole chapter on the uniquely unhealthy way in which abusive men use sex. I may devote a future post to that chapter and to other things that struck me about this book, such as the warning signs of abuse. For now, though, that's probably enough to chew on.

Cheers!